know. I am really home.
go to the grocery store
the cashier says,
“hi, Miss Sweet Lady!
where have you been?"
I notice she is rocking an up-do
with natural colors...
but...I do miss the pink....
and change is a really
powerful energy...and then
we agree I can
take some food
home to my family.
and we check
out smiles.
Sometimes a mother just needs between 20 and 45 minutes to be all alone. Often, when this time is requested, it doesn’t work out quite the way she wants. To eliminate any objection to having 20 to 45 minutes all alone, resort to
The Hiding In Your Car Stance.
1. Notice some incredibly vital and important item is missing from the house.
2. Announce that all food service, bum wiping services, beverage service or art/science project services must be immediately suspended.
3. Announce loudly, that the world has ended because there is no milk, water colors, broccoli, properly fitted goggles for swimming. You decide.
4. Get your purse.
5. Get your car keys. (Cell phone is at your discretion. Because they will call.)
6. Head towards your car in the mobile variation of “The Yes Position.” (This position combines “The Embrace The Whole World Position” with a slight adjustment to “The Neutral Position.”
7. Shout loudly in a sing song, soothing voice, “I’ll be back before you even know I’m gone. Love you!”
8. Proceed to your car.
9. Get in car.
10. Drive to whatever store you need to procure said item. Procure said item. (Maybe get a mocha if you are truly more than desperate.)
11. Sit in the parking lot drinking your mocha and listening to your favorite radio station. Listen to the whole story. All the way through. With no interruptions.
12. Return home.
13. Announce food service, bum-wiping service, beverage service, room-cleaning service, laundry service has returned because of your massively awesome and spectacular feat.
14. Assume “The Yes Position.” Combine with the “Ebrace The Whole World Position.”
15. Be loved and adored.
16. Restore service in “The Neutral Position.
I is a tender,
fragile, precious
thing that holds
a lot of resilience and fortitude.
I smiles.
I belly laughs.
even when I ache
I
always have a grin for you.
I
opens my soul
doors. says come in!
relax, have a drink.
I
is fragile
break me?
no. I
Is tender.
precious. cared
for the resilience
of fortitude.
He takes me by the hand. Just like he always does. And I trust him to take me anywhere. If his hand signals right, that is where I will go even if a screeching police car is careening around the corner.
He knows. I trust him to know. Because I am his.
But, this time, he takes me down. Down to what my friend’s call the woman cave. Down to the perfect bathroom. Under ground. Our basement. But, I go.
There is no beard hair on the sink. There are no pee stains around the toilet. This is my space. He takes me here. To my space. And undresses me.
Yes, he unhooks my bra. Shimmies down my knickers. Starts the water.
Yes, he tests the water first. Then, puts me in rain. Soft, sweet, with hands firm telling me about every single step.
Yes, he sits me down in the rain. He gets the soap and washes my body. He gets the soap and washes my hair. He scrubs me new.
He shows me my woman and cave. Then, turns the water off. Lifts me. Careful. Careful. Carefully, dries every drop remaining on my body. Then, takes my hand.
Walks me up two flights of stairs. Puts me in clean beddings. Rubs Shea Butter into every aching pore. Kisses me gently.
“Yes, dear, In the mourning, I will give myself to you.”
(for A Scarlett Starr)
is full of shells. like hermit crab habitats
we crawl. tender
vulnerable in
and out. suit. needs.
decency. work
with this idea.
the cotton protects
your tender bits.
even sprawled and open
soft, sofa can chafe;
food can burn;
a hot laptop; government
can come
calling. oh yes.
on a tele-commute
with bankers, wear a shirt.
even if they can’t see
you, they know you
free. find
the shell. climb in.
stay. stay
just a short,
short time stay.
then breathe.
1. Become your best editor.
2. Re-write.
3. Re-write.
4. Failure is a construct.
5. De-construct.
6. Assess the situation at hand and conduct a proper evaluation. Example: "Asshole" becomes “Person in need of understanding and love.”
Training video here:
So Glad I'm Here
~ Pat Parker, 1985, Firebrand Press from the book Jonestown & Other Madness.
One Thankgiving Day
Pricilla Ford
got into her
Lincoln Continental
drove to Virginia Street
in downtown Reno
and ran over thirty people.
Six of them died.
One Thankgiving Day
Pricilla Ford
got into her
Lincoln Continental
drove to Virginia Street
in downtown Reno
and ran over thirty people.
Six of them died.
Priscilla, Priscilla
who did you see?
what face from your past?
Was it the waitress
who asked you to wait
on you?
Was it the clerk
who tried to sell you
only the
brightest colored clothes?
Was it your child's
teacher who tried to
teach her that she was
slow?
Was it the security guard
at the bank who guarded
you from the bank's money
with his eyes?
One Thanksgiving Day
Pricilla Ford
got into her
Lincoln Continental
drove to Virginia Street
in downtown Reno
and ran over thirty people.
Six of them died.
Screams filled the street
panic ran through the crowd
like a losing streak
at the blackjack tables
and the state of Nevada
was stunned.
A tired middle-aged Black woman
was not thankful that day
not thankful for her job
wrapping gifts at Macy's
not thankful for the state
taking custody of her child
she was not thankful
for her Lincoln Continental.
Pricilla Ford
got into her Lincoln Continental
and hurled through the streets of Reno
the killer made in Motown factories
swept down on tourists
looking to make a big hit
hit by a navy blue
steel bludgeon
screams dying beneath its wheels
and the state of Nevada
was angry.
She went to trial.
Insanity
her lawyers pled
she was crazy with anger
she was crazy with fear
she was crazy with defeat
she was crazy with isolation
no sane person kills
strangers with their cars
Priscilla Ford said yes
I drove my car
into the whiteness
of Nevada streets
she would say nothing more
and the state of Nevada
was frightened.
If Priscilla Ford could do it
who else?
How many Black faces
that emptied garbage
waited tables
bagged groceries
wrapped presents
were capable?
Reaction was swift.
One entrepreneur
printed a card
it said Happy Thanksgiving
with a picture of Priscilla
on its front
inside it said
Sorry I missed YOU.
Pricilla Ford
got into her
Lincoln Continental
drove to Virginia Street
in downtown Reno
and ran over thirty people.
Six of them died
and the state of Nevada
was vindictive.
You can not be insane
to be enraged is not insane
to lash out at whiteness is not insane
it is being a nigger
it is your place in life.
Pricilla Ford
got into her
Lincoln Continental
drove to Virginia Street
in downtown Reno
and ran over thirty people.
Six of them died
and now Priscilla Ford
will die.
The state of Nevada
has judged
that it is
not crazy
for Black folks
to kill white folks
with their cars.
Priscilla Ford
will be
the second woman
executed in Nevada's history.
It's her highest
finish in life.
I love everyone
else’s bodies
stay stable.
me, I know not
how they do it.
but I know
up and down
around 200 pounds
mapping. womanhood marks
9 months spent stretching
the body to open
life. for over
more than 80 years.
I see myself living
beautiful.
no distortions
other than those brought by birth,
nursing, holding, loving
the dislocated shoulder of rocking
hugging to sleep. nothing more mystical
than what She has planned. these
are my tattoos. and witness
the chosen embryo
adult. decorating skin, I wish crafted.
push through
to acceptance,
choice was the life lesson.
I gave.
the stories fall out of my fingernails.
display a lovely crescendo of eyelash!
only the willing patient can bring to heel
the dogs of night and mare. hooves ready
shod, iron blessed with teeth ready
to claim that lie we call human.
and make it right.
I can not even love myself enough
to activate the index finger
on the desperate moist button;
enter the movie theatre of my husband;
play yesterday in circles
on my tongue or any open place
until thrill releases
worry. it is that simple
really. my husband real
and imaginary. devises
calm. delivers when
I am good
and these days,
have one too many between.
appendage presents
declare. I have to love
myself. and my crazy
marching band heart
frenzies. he calmly states,
“no, not today,
suffer and work it ~”
more likely this behavior
is a clot ready bomb singing
time to release
everything
and rise.
fire. the simplest
pleasures.
I have always wanted.
the pain fist to do something
very important. like take a life.
oh, look, Spongebob is on tv.
is it time to laugh now?
thank you…dearest,
ohhhh, darling, thank you.
hold her.
she is fragile
wisp of memory. keep
her. safe
from love
& longing. let her
gracefully go
into the whatever
so fancied. you know
that place, where
suns are born.
1. Accept that laying down is not on your agenda today.
2. Not even for 45 seconds.
3. Straighten knees. (From "The Fetal Ball of Woe Position."
3. Unfold arms.
4. Stretch. Stretch, Stretch.
5. Assume the “Embrace The Whole World Position."
6. Breathe in deeply…all the way down to your diaphragm.
6. Hold the breath until it feels as if your rib cage will shatter.
7. Release the breath as slowly as you can. (Do not allow the panting rhythm.)
8. Repeat only 2 times. In between every breath mutter, "In every day, in every way, a little bit. Just. A little bit. Until it is done."
9. Sit up.
10. Place feet on the floor.
11. Do not allow for one single moment of sorry to cross you mind. (If necessary, flick your hands beginning from the wrist and releasing the energy outward. Your chin may need to do its best to connect with your heart beating frantically. Allow this.)
12. Stand. Assume "The Neutral Position."
13. Proceed.
The Porno Pussy Talks Back
I live in low budget
X-rated porno movies with bad
soundtracks you turn down
so the neighbors won't know
what a perverted depraved prick you really are.
& I'm the star.
The pussy you know better than your girlfriend's face.
The pussy with that irresistible Vaseline and glitter smile.
The pussy with the perfectly done hair and better muscle tone
than all the personal trainers in L.A. combined.
The diploma carrying pussy with a doctorate
from Amsterdam 's red-light district and a concentration
in all the tasty tricks even the Kama Sutra wouldn't publish.
And you think
you could fuck this pussy?
You wish you could
get near this pussy.
This pussy is twenty-four inches big on a bad day.
A telephone pole would leave this pussy unfulfilled
(yet, amused by the high self-opinion the telephone pole
thinking it was large enough to appease me.)
Next to this pussy, you would be an ant. And itty bitty
irritating baby boy. This pussy could drown you,
make you choke to death on cum;
curl lips back in a snarl giggle
watching you writhe like a snake
in a voodoo lady's hand. This pussy
could cover your head and suffocate you,
or squeeze tight in a contraction and snap the head
right off your shoulders like a dandelion in a malicious child's fingers.
This pussy would love to eat you up for lunch just to burp out
your hair and teeth 'cause there are fireworks scheduled this evening.
Your eyes are bigger
than your head. I live in
low budget X-rated porno movies with bad
soundtracks you turn down
so the neighbors won't know
what a perverted depraved
prick you really are.
& I'm the star,
the Godzilla pussy
you think you want to fuck?
(Or Go The Fuck To Sleep Already)
Staying At The Laptop Variation 1
Best achieved with under 8 year.olds
1. As child calls out that they will not be sleeping, remain seated in front of your machine. Call out, “Come, dear.”
2. As child approaches, close eyes.
2. Deep breathe.
3. Open eyes upon exhale.
4. Enter The Neutral Stance.
5. Open arms in what dancers call “Second position.”
6. Invite the child into your Circle Of Quiet.
7. Keep one hand on the keyboard, the other will gently and loving place the child’s head over the sternum.
8.Deep breath in.
9. Low vocalization on the exhale. “Hmmmmm. Or Shhhhhh” work very nicely.
10. Repeat whilst typing one handed.
11. Repeat approximately 15 times. Then, kiss the child’s forehead.
12. Whisper, “I love you and off you go. Meet you in the Dream Time.”
13. Gently re-direct the child’s body out of your Circle Of Quiet and in the right direction towards bed.
14. Say, “I need you to go make a fun place for us when I join you the Dream Time!
15. Maintain contact with machine whilst assuming “The Yes Position” and nodding while the child walks away.
16. Say, "Shhhh, surprise me! Love you! Meet you soon!"
17. Nod and smile as the child walks away.
grown-ups complicate
everything. we show up
on our children's doorstep
with 5 steamer trunks, 20 valises
and a hand bag.
then we have the nerve
to smile and invite
ourselves in. we also expect
them to be grateful. Sometimes...
Switzerland is
just &
beautiful.
Be = Action Statement.
Cause = Action Statement.
(Raise eyebrows. Graciously offer a good dictionary.
Home training assumes mastery of all of the positions previously discussed.
A child will happily wipe the spill from under his glass and the remnants on the counter top, if you have mastered “The Neutral Position,” “The Yes Position” and “The No Position.”
It all really starts out quite small.
Child: I can’t find boo-boo bear!
Mother: Well of course not.! Look at the mess! Oh, my!
Child: Boo-boo bear! (appears as if meltdown in approaching.)
Mother: (enters “The Yes Position.” And exclaims joyfully.) Why, we’ll just clean this house from top to bottom.
Child (dubious) Ummmmm….
Mother: Everything has a place and when everything is in it….nothing get lost. Not even Boo-boo Bear.”
Child: I just want Boo-Boo Bear!
Mother: (assumes the No Position) Well, then, let’s get started. You DO want Boo-Boo Bear, right.
ADVANCED Example
Child: I just spilled the milk.
Mother (assumes Yes Position after moving through the No Screaming Position.) Are we so lucky we have sponges?
Child: Huh!
Mother: Look! How exciting! We have sponges. I’ll teach you.
Child: Oh! We have sponges.
Mother: How awesome! Should we try to do this with watercolors on paper later?"
Child: No, that's cool.
It has already been established that you have precisely 5 − 10 minutes to feel deeply and profoundly sorry for yourself everyday. This is your basic right as a mother. Every morning, when your feet touch the floor, you breathe in this practice. Let go. And then assume “The Neutral Position.” But(!!!!!),
whatever should we do with the other 1,430 minutes of that day which are not spent sleeping, caring for others or pretending to achieve our life goals?
That is why the “Fetal Ball Of Woe Position” is every mother’s salvation. The importance of this position has been undermined by alcohol, pot, and/or any other drug a Mother might choose to simply get through her day. You don’t need these things!
Let’s face it. You can’t be a grown woman with no sorrows, unless you grew up in a cult. (And even then, you have a whole different set of woes.) We al have our deep sorrows, regrets, angers and stabby feelings.
The “Fetal Ball Of Woe Position” is a vitally important self-care nightly (or daily) ritual. It channels the chi or spirit or energy or soul into being able to be honest in all of the other position you will need everyday.
My preferred location is my bed. But, this position can be practiced anywhere you can reasonably expect 10 minutes of privacy. Set your timer for 10 to 15 minutes.
The “Fetal Ball Of Woe Position”
1. Lay down.
2. Bring knees to chest. (Or as close as you can get them.)
3. Fold arms in to the body. Elbows to diaphragm. Wrists to neck.
4. Open hands cover your face.
5. Breathe in deeply…all the way down to your diaphragm.
6. Hold the breath until it feels as if your rib cage will shatter.
7. Release the breath as slowly as you can. (It is perfect if you can get a panting rhythm going.)
8. Repeat.
9. After 10 repetitions, a “sobbing sensation” should occur. (Silent tears streaming down your cheeks are an awesome indication you have performed this correctly.)
10. Allow your Personal Injury Movie to play. (This is a stream of recollections involving anyone who has ever hurt your feelings, injured you or left you with an unmet need. ) Allow it to flow through your brain.
11. Pant them out.
12. Continue until the timer goes off.
13. Get a tissue. Clean your face off. (Lipstick is always a nice touch.)
14. Sleep. Or paint or compose. Or just do what needs to be done… like the dishes or laundry.
Side Note: Sex is always delightful after Step 13 because it leaves the practitioner in a open, receptive state which invites the nurturing and care of others. (Limited exclusively to people practicing Pop-Fu, and/or and other sensitive partner types. Yes, this has a hetero-normative bias….my apologies. I’ll try to work on that with your help.)
- a stream of recollections involving anyone who has ever hurt your feelings, injured you or left you with an unmet need. A vital and important part of employing the "The Fetal Ball Of Woe Position" in order to achieve an honest and authentic "Neutral Position."
The Listening Position.
Variation 1 - for unwelcome interruptions.
1. From “The Neutral Position,” invite “The Yes Position.”
2. Let the request begin to issue from their lips. Then, allow each vertebrae to release one by one until your chin rests gently on your chest.
3. Allow your shoulders to follow you neck and roll slightly forward.
4. Reverse.
5. Place hands together in a prayer stance. (A slight nostril flare is useful, but not vital.)
6. Assume a balance between the “The Neutral Position” and “The Yes Position.” This is best achieved with a slight crinkle of the eye corners, the slightest hint of a receptive smile.
7. Lean forward.
8. Make eye contact.
9. Listen.
From this position, you are ready to instantly assume No, Yes, I Don’t See Why Not, and I See Why Not, Can You? or the "How Awesome Are You?!? Position"
Growing up, my nanny used to say, “Be careful, your face might freeze like that!” Terrifying. Imagine your tongue stuck out; eyebrows ready to engage in battle with one another and your chin disjointed and asymmetrical. Forever! Terrifying truly. Make that face and imagine it stuck there forever.
Are you horrified? (Okay, I was.)
This theory was validated by my 7th grade science teacher. She talked about skin and muscles. She said, “All you have to do is look at an old person to tell if they were happy, sad, kind or ruthless and nasty. It’s all in their wrinkles. Keep your facial muscles relaxed at all times and smile. That way, when you are old, everyone will know how wonderful you are.”
Needless to say, that was all I needed to know. (She was very focused on muscles, muscle memory and appropriate planning. When we got to reproductive systems, she also talked of keagaling. But, that’s a different set of musings.)
From that moment forward, I understood the value of “The Neutral Position.” We do not wear our hearts on our sleeves. Whoever thought that up was a silly-pants. We wear our hearts on our faces and our hands and our feet.
The face is such a tiny portion of our body. It can’t even begin to contain our internal truths and myths. Our myths and truths show up as a twitchy finger. Or a clenched fist. But, it always starts in the face.
From time to time, I will be at the shop, squeezing lemons or fondling a new shirt. In these times, I employ “The Neutral Position.” Invariably, somebody brings a very loud discordant energy. There I am fondling peaches and deciding which ones are best for my family and suddenly a marching band of anger storms into the aisle.
Suddenly she (yes, it is usually a she) slams food into her cart. She’s got a scowl on her face. If she is with children, I know one of them is just about to employ familial patterning in age-appropriate way. (Or plainly said, they are gearing up for a temper-tantrum.) It is highly likely, that her tantrums were beaten out of her as a child. That is why she is in mega-chain store slamming things into her cart silently and angrily.
Chances are, no one ever told her she could just curl up in the fetal position and weep silently at night. No wonderful grandmother told her to wake up every morning and give herself precisely 10 minutes to feel vastly and profoundly sorry for her self, and then get about the day. It is not her fault.
Which is why the importance of “The Neutral Position” as a beginning stance for any woman wanting to learn “Mom-Fu” is essential.
“The Neutral Stance”
1. Wake up.
2. Set the timer for five or ten minutes.
3. Feel tremendously sorry for yourself. Weep a little. If you have time (best done at night) curl into the fetal position and heave sobs. Moan. Lament.
4. When the timer goes off. Dry your eyes., splash water on your face, stretch a little.
5. Relax every facial muscle.
6. Adjust to a mildly amused position.
7. Straighten your spine.
8. Square your shoulders.
9. Put one foot in front of the other and get about your business of the day.
10. Repeat until another stance is required.
Mom-Fu #4 “The Yes Position - Variation 1”
Mastery of “The Yes Position” virtually guarantees automatic success with “The No Position.” While this position is virtually indispensable in ever aspect of life, in this instance, it is applied towards children.
“The Yes Position” is one of the hardest Mom-Fu stances to master. Some may need a therapist to fully achieve it. Others can follow the simple tutorial below. Ability to meter “The Yes Position” is not a judgmental statement about ability.
It is a statement of fact which insists upon four premises. 1. Everyone has lived a life ~ good or bad. 2. Everyone’s personal journey includes: obstacles, defeats, triumphs, regrets, hum-drummery and abject nihilistic boredom. 3. Everyone can create action statements for themselves which assume “achievement,” yet, allows for “failure.” 4. Everyone is an awesome writer. At anytime a personal life story re-write is possible. Success can be revised as failure and failure revised as success.
The most frequent use of “The Yes Position” is when you are interrupted. Maybe you are cooking dinner and you dear beloved child(ren) come into the kitchen to ask a question. Maybe it is Saturday morning at 6:00, and you are being awakened by a happy, happy child who is delighted that the sun rose yet again. Perhaps, it is the middle of the night. Your bedroom lights are flicked unmercifully on, and your beloved child is here to share the details of their nightmare with you.
“The Yes Position” assumes that you made a whole human body out of your own and therefore, must nurture it. It is also effective with humans that you did not make, but with whom you wish to achieve a passing pleasantry.
This position affirms delight and attentiveness. It is also helpful to have a number of pet names. Honey, Sweetie and dear are wonderful casual words. My favorite with personal progeny is “My Love.”
Instructions: “The Yes Position - Variation 1 - Seated”
Upon the first utterance of “Mom.”
1. From the “The Neutral Face” position, allow a warm radiant smile to begin in the chin. The muscles drift upwards toward the crown chakra
2. Allow the lips, cheeks, eyes, and eyebrows to sweep upwards.
3. As the rising upward motion hits the cheek. The head slightly tilts to one side. The neck allows the chin to drop approximately 5 degrees. (Right or left is irrelevant. What feels good in your body is what is important.)
3. As this facial musculature action occurs, the spine should agree with it. The spine straightens.
4. The shoulder moves in relaxed opposition.
4A. It is assumed you are “doing something”. If you are. Stop. Facebooking? Lower your screen to 45 degrees. Cooking? Put the spoon down. Reading a book? Gently set it to the side.
5.Fold your hands as if in prayer.
6. Answer, “Yes, my love.”
7. Make eye contact.
8. Maintain the joyous smile. (Whatever visualization you use to maintain the joyous smile is irrelevant. Killing zombies? Good. The last great orgasm? Even better, it feed the positive energy of the smile better. Finding the perfect dress? Okay. The first time you held this creature in your arms? Bang! Pop! Sizzle!
9. Acceptance or denial of the action requested. Example: Child: "I can't sleep. I had a terrible nightmare. Mom: Lay next to me and close your eyes, we will change that nightmare by dreaming together." OR Child: "I'm hungry." Mom: "Well, then it sounds like it's time to make lunch." Alternate: "You just had lunch. You might be bored...let's empty the dishwasher!"
This is the basic set up for “The Listening Position,” “The Sigh Position,” and the “I See Why Not, Can You Position.”
We had an AFS student from Norway when I was in high school. She was almost six feet tall, blonde, fit and ready to be fierce. I was kind kind of dumpy white girl-gone-tanned-in-Aspen brown, pretty face, curvy, (or sturdy - as more liberal friends would say.) We embraced the mission. From day one, we were sisters! My family is her family. Her family is my family. Wow!
What a relief that she became the top Public Defender in Norway. (Yes, we shared spirit drenching conversations last time we saw each other. She is representing that serial killer (77 dead) who now faces sentencing.) We love each other deeply and even time and space will never separate us.
How much we loved her yelling, “Dad! Dad!” after my cinnamon Daddy. We all loved arresting every human being within ear and eye-shot …at Saks 5...the country club…whatever place we had already transgressed with our Blackness. Just honoring a mission. A mission which allows her to be an attorney. A mission which has made her everything I need not strive to be. A mission of doing what you are best at regardless of what anyone else thinks you ought be.
(Honestly, my father was right. It is too tiresome and truly against my nature to enter into the head of a serial killer and give him a right and fair trial. Let my sister defend the mass-murderer. Let me mine all of the questions. Let answers fall out of my mouth like the diamonds of the fairy-tale girl. Let them cut my mouth.)
Let me smile and hold a mission which says, "you aren't going to write about any of this are you?"
But, didn’t we always look so awesome in our matching outfits?
So the dream. My dear AFS sister is here for a visit. There will be a great party to celebrate her. She is the perfect daughter and I am so glad that I do not have to be. I am filled with gratitude! All spotlight on the most appropriate! I heave sobs in my husband’s arms at nights after these about gratitude and the freedom to take liberty.
In this dream, my house has a lovely “his and her” bathroom that my sister and I share. Both of us can shower, choose our clothes from the huge walk-in closet, and chat without being too much in each other’s face.
Well, she is showering. I don’t remember her shower stall having a sit-down ledge. But there she is relaxing; sitting down; her long legs stretched up in the air; the razor moving precise and perfect down toned legs. Getting ready in 10 minutes perfect.
Me? I’ve showered. And I am walking around this massive closet. Everything that fits - and is appropriate - is either too big or too small. And it will be hot outside. I need something loose and flowing. Something that makes my size 12 frame look as good as her size 6. (We don’t wear matching frocks anymore.)
I riffle through the clothes and come across a perfect dress which fits me exquisitely. Proportioned well enough to let me breath freely and yet tight enough to show that I am not a “gym avoider.”
It is made of black leather, it has buckles and straps which accentuate all of the right places viewers should observe. No. This is not the cocktail frock for this event. I place it back on the bar.
There is a sailor dress to the right. But, that hangs on me. It shows every single way I was once fat.
There is a sweet not quite Black Watch plaid jumper reminiscent of our school days. It fits perfectly! Except, nobody could see my waist. And that is where she and I always differed. It’s why I looked so “sturdy” next to her. She was rail thin perfect. I had curves which could jack up the train. We were quite the team.
Finally, I find an A-line, delicate chiffon circa 1950’s frock I must have inherited from my Aunt Billy. Delicate perfection, it is sheer. But, not too sheer. I happen to be wearing the exactly perfect colored bra to go underneath it.
(I must have worn this once when I was 14 years old, but, with combat boots, ripped fishnet stockings and that wide flaring petticoat.)
But, tonight, I can pair it with delicate flats, a string of husband-gifted pearls and naked legs which need no shaving due to “good” genetics. If only I can find the petticoat. And there it is! I put my right leg inside the waist.
That is when my husband wakes me. Putting on the petticoat; being myself and acceptable.
